Sebastian Bach: Forever Wild
Picture: C
Sound: C+ Extras: C+ Main Program: C-
At one point during “Sebastian Bach: Forever Wild,”
Bach talks over some atrocious concert footage of him and his band at LA’s
Whiskey-a-Go-Go to teach viewers of his VH1 show, “Forever Wild,”
correct microphone techniques. This
section of the program is labeled, “Heavy Metal History Lesson.”
Take this entire DVD as such. But not a Stephen Ambrose, “The Greatest Generation” kind of
lesson. Oh no. This is one of those history lessons that,
if you fail to remember it, you’ll be doomed to repeat it. And humanity just can’t take another
Sebastian Bach. Or another “Forever
Wild,” be it on TV or DVD.
“Sebastian Bach: Forever Wild” is a collection of
live clips and selections from Bach’s VH1 program of the same name. From the first piece of concert footage to
Bach’s parting words about the demo version of his new song, “Always &
Never the Same,” playing over the credits, this DVD is a mess.
The Bach performances range from clips that look
lip-synced to pirated video from the aforementioned Whiskey show sometime in,
as Bach claims, the late ‘80s. But you
could never know it to look at it. The
full frame video is pixilated and every frame has the feel of some show from
1979 that an overzealous fan bootlegging on a Super 8 home video
camcorder. And worse, it’s one of those
bootlegs no one really wants. It’s
almost embarrassing watching Bach react with the crowd in these clips because
they’re totally dead, especially for a metal audience. If the crowd ain’t into it, why should we
be?
But worse than that is the revelation that this isn’t a
bootleg tape. Rather, there are
multiple camera angles and vantages to give the viewer the total Bach
experience. What would have been
barely passable as a Bach fan’s attempt to capture the former frontman of Skid
Row at his most audacious — with glittery clothes, fuzzy jackets flushed out
with shoulder pads so big the cast of “Dallas” would be jealous and a
band dressed up like they’re on their way to a New Wave party, circa-1982 —
becomes tantamount to a heavy metal equivalent of a wedding band’s best of tape
that they show to potential clients.
And it doesn’t sound much better than it looks.
For as bad as the concert tapes are, surely the television
material is better. Right?
Wrong.
In terms of production values as a TV program, it
works. For a DVD, it fails
horribly. The people who put the disc
together felt it necessary to leave in every wailing guitar riff-laden cut-to-commercial
title card that would have greeted Bach fans on VH1. But this is DVD, you don’t need those things. As they are here, those obnoxious heavy
“reeerrrrrss” and images of Bach flexing and sticking his tongue out break up
the TV clips and make these sections more disjointed and jarring than they are
on their own.
It doesn’t help that Bach himself is so immature that he
makes you want to reach into the TV and slap some sense into him. Between trying to be an actor — which he
can’t pull off — and wanting desperately to be David Lee Roth — please, there’s
only one Diamond Dave — he acts like a buffoon befitting the personality of a
metal “star.” And that’s fine. But there are parts that are just offensive.
One such case is when Bach takes the audience to a kung-fu
dojo in New Jersey. The producers of
the show overdub the segment like a Bruce Lee movie, which is annoying in
itself, but then go on to put the following things in the inter-titles during
the segment: “…With sacred warm up compreted,
time for battle” and “Kung-fu and the meaning of rife.” (Note that special
emphasis has been placed on two words.)
Aren’t we well passed the dark days of making fun of how
Asian people talk when trying to speak a non-native language like English? And who are these people who put together
the “Forever Wild” TV show to think they can make fun of anyone? They put Sebastian Bach, a Bill and
Ted-esque, washed-up, at-one-time-relevant-for-two-seconds metalhead, on TV for
goodness sake! Things like these (dare
I say) racist aspects of the show give the whole operation a bad smell. As if it didn’t stink enough already.
But this DVD isn’t totally without merit. Occasionally, one of the TV segments is
worthwhile. And not coincidentally, these segments involve the larger-than-life
Ted Nugent. One is in the main program, a segment where Bach travels to
Nugent’s ranch to hang out and shoot guns, and the other is a bonus feature
where Nugent discusses his way of taking down airborne terrorists. Both are quite amusing and well worth the
two to five minutes it takes to watch them.
Another fun bonus feature is titled “Before They Were
Bach Stars.” Here, Bach and two friends and/or family members lip sync and
shadow play to Cheap Trick’s endearing live cut of “I Want You to Want Me”
as little kids. They play a shovel and
vacuum cleaner as guitars and a set of boxes and buckets as drums while getting
really into performing for the camera.
It’s a fun clip that shows how far back Bach has wanted to be a rock
star. And it’s interesting that this
clip looks a whole lot better than the concert footage. Funny, isn’t it, that a home movie from 1978
would look better than “professional” concert footage from some 20 years later?
All in all, this is one DVD to avoid. Unless you like watching train wrecks, or
are a fan of Bach. By all means, then,
embrace it like there’s no tomorrow.
But if you don’t fall into either camp, heed the words of Sebastian Bach
himself: “Like golf, as in life, dirty balls are not acceptable.”
And neither is this DVD.
- Dante A.
Ciampaglia
